Salem's Wild Ride
by Kat Lee formerly Pirate Turner
Summary: Salem Saberhagen, determined to have a fun night, makes a trip to the House of Mouse that no one involved will soon forget. Het, Slash, and over 40 Disney characters from various fandoms!


Title: "Salem's Wild Ride"  
Author: Pirate Turner  
Rating: R for mature content, language, and implications  
Summary: Salem Saberhagen, determined to have a fun night, makes a trip to the House of Mouse that no one involved will soon forget.  
Warnings: Het, Slash  
Word Count: 2,556  
Challenge: Ficcers Unite's Disney Challenge for 6-7-10 to write a Disney crossover between one or more fandoms  
Disclaimer: Salem Saberhagen, Queen Cinderella, Duchess, Thomas O'Malley, Scat Cat and his Gang, Peg, Francis, Timon, Pumbaa, this version of Merlin, Professor Ludwig von Drake, Peter Pan, Captain James T. Hook, Smee, Pete, Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Mike, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, Goofy, Tinker Bell, Tiger Lily, all the Disney Princesses, Shere Khan, Gus, Jacques, Gopher, Eeyore, Tigger, One Hundred Acre Wood, Brer Rabbit, Sir Hiss, Kaa, Magic Carpet, Genie, Tramp, Lady, Dodger, any and all other Disney characters mentioned within, Tiki Room, House of Mouse, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Aristocats, Lady and the Tramp, Oliver & Company, The Lion King, Jungle Book, Winnie the Pooh, Robin Hood, and Aladdin are & TM Disney and any other respective owners, none of which are the author. Everything else is & TM the author. The author makes absolutely no profit off of this work of fan fiction, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Salem strutted into the House of Mouse, his long, black tail swishing and furry paws prancing to the sound of the jazz band. His green eyes intently surveyed the crowd. He might no longer be a Wizard, but tonight he was a cat on the prowl who was going to make his own style of magic!

Salem's emerald orbs came to rest on a fine, white female dancing alone in a chair next to the stage. Her fur was long, luscious, and nearly as pretty as his own. Her tail whisked through the air, and his eyes went with it as he meowed huskily.

The queen was clearly worthy of royalty, and Salem couldn't fathom why she should be sitting alone. He twined between several pairs of feet and legs, not caring who he tripped, as he made his way to her table. He didn't hesitate to hop up into the chair beside hers for he knew it was an honor for any one to sit with the legendary Salem Saberhagen. "Hey, baby," Salem purred to his interest, "you dance pretty well, but I bet we could really swing hot together."

Salem could tell she was flattered from the shy and flustered look upon her pretty face. She sat, her long, fluffy plume of a tail curling gracefully around her body. She crooked one paw underneath her furry chin as she started to answer him. "I - "

The lady was suddenly cut off by an angry voice. Salem heard the other tomcat at the same time that he noticed the music had abruptly stopped playing.

"HEY, MAN!" Thomas yelled, jumping agilely from the stage to Duchess' table in a single bound. "SHE'S MARRIED, AND THE ONLY ONE SHE SWINGS WITH IS HER HUSBAND - _ME_!" Thomas glared at Salem, the orange fur on his back raised in further warning.

"Thomas, dear, it's all right," Duchess mewed placidly. "I'm sure the gentleman - "

"Gentleman! Ha!" Thomas snorted.

" - would have pleasantly taken his leave the moment I told him that I am purrfectly happily marrrried to you, my darrrling."

"Ooo! Duchess, you know what you to do me when you purr like that!" Thomas took Duchess in his arms and began to cover her silken, white fur with kisses.

Salem rolled his eyes. "Newlyweds!" he muttered as he hopped down off of the chair and resumed his search for a good time for the night. Scat Cat and his gang picked their song back up without Thomas as he and Duchess continued to snuggle and kiss passionately.

Salem fumed quietly, his darkened, green eyes looking apprehensively around for another single cat. How dare they not even recognize him! He - Salem Saberhagen, the greatest Wizard who had ever lived! Sure, he didn't look like his old self, but Disney didn't have that many Wizards-turned-cats running around!

"Hey, handsome."

Salem looked toward the husky call, then swiftly turned his head and quickened his pace.

"Hey!" the golden-haired dog yipped. "I'm talking to you!"

"Sorry." Salem sniffed as he drew his dignity to him like a shield. "I am _not_ interested in a canine."

"YOU!" the dog barked, her eyes flashing. "HOW DARE YOU!"

"Uh-oh!" Francis ruffed. "He's done made Peg mad now!"

"How dare _I_?" Salem repeated in shocked disbelief. "How dare _you_!" he exclaimed, whirling to face her with his jet black fur standing on end. "HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK TO TALK TO ME, LET ALONE THINK I'D EVER CONSIDER GIVING YOU - A _DOG_ - THE TIME OF DAY! LADY, I MAY NOT BE A WIZARD ANY LONGER, BUT I _AM_ A CAT AND CATS DO _NOT_ DO DOGS!"

Yet again the music stopped as all eyes turned to Salem and Peg. Dogs barked and howled. Cats mewed and hissed while their bigger cousins roared. Wolves, coyotes, and jackals howled. Hyenas laughed so hard that they rolled onto their spotted backs and continued rolling in the floor.

Merlin stroked his long, white beard. "He does have a point." His owl hooted before hiding his face beneath his wing.

"Cats and dogs together?" Timon laughed so hard that he fell over onto his back and rolled across Pumbaa's back. "HEY, PUMBAA!" he cried, hanging slightly off of the front of the warthog and looking his best friend straight in the eye. "Did you hear that? CATS AND DOGS! That'd be _so weird_!"

"I . . . dunno, Timon," Pumbaa whined hesitantly. "Some people might think that you and I being together is as weird as cats and dogs loving each other!"

"They ain't talking about love, buddy!" Timon hooted, petting Pumbaa reassuringly. "They're talking about a one night stand!"

"How do you know Peg wouldn't want puppies?"

Salem's mouth fell open; his eyes bugged.

"Their copulation could not create puppies," Professor Ludwig von Drake mused amongst more uproarious laughter. "They may procreate kitpups or puptens but never puppies nor kittens as they would be crossing Felis catus with Canis lupus familiaris . . . "

"HEY, CODFISH!" Peter Pan yelled with his hands cupped around his mouth. "YOU'RE GONNA GET IT NOW! WHADDA WANT - KITPUPS OR PUPTENS? EITHER WAY THEY WON'T BE AS WEIRD AS YOU, YOU WIZARD WANNABE!" His impish laughter shook him until the Immortal boy fell over in the air.

Salem hissed and turned his gaze from Peg to the dratted boi who had stolen the left hand of his good friend, Captain James T. Hook, who even then was trying to free himself of Smee clinging to him.

"C-Captain, n-no! P-Please n-no!" Smee pleaded while trying to climb his beloved Captain to keep him from pulling out the weapon he determinedly sought. "They . . . They'll br-bring th-the croc! You . . . You know he will, an-and we-we'll ne-never b-be s-safe h-here e-ever a-again! H-He'll f-find a w-way t-to t-turn th-the t-tables on . . . on us! Sh-Shucks, h-he w-won't e-even ha-have t-to tr-try! He-He's fr-friends w-with P-Pete, you . . . you kn-know! He-He'll g-get us b-banned, an-and w-we - "

"SMEE!" James cried, finally managing to free himself of his love's grabby, pudgy hands. "I DON'T CARE!" His mustache bristled. "_NO ONE_ TALKS TO SALEM SABERHAGEN LIKE THAT AND GETS AWAY WITH IT WHILE I'M AROUND! HE IS THE GREATEST WIZARD WHO EVER LIVED!"

"I BEG YOUR PARDON!" Merlin exclaimed, his beard bristling much like Hook's mustache and nearly popping him in the face. It was one thing to have another Wizard proclaim himself to be greater than he - he was used to young upstarts, after all -, but it was quite another matter entirely to have some one else announce that another Wizard was greater than he! "I WON'T STAND FOR SUCH FOOLISHERY!"

"IT'S NOT FOOLISHERY! SALEM IS THE GREATEST!" James waved his hook in the air.

Merlin screeched indignantly.

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, CODFISH?" Peter crowed, then screamed as Hook hit him in the butt with a dagger and Merlin struck his face with a bolt of power that made his young skin turn into sagging wrinkles! Hook and Smee then squealed as Merlin hit their table with another blast of power from his staff and it transformed into a snapping, snarling crocodile! Pan was too busy crying over his face to laugh at Hook and Smee climbing over each other as they frantically tried to escape the crocodile.

Salem whipped toward Hook and Smee, but before he could run to their aid, Peg lost the control she had been fighting to maintain over the last couple of minutes and charged him! Salem ran from her gnashing teeth, and she followed right behind him, her dangerous, gleaming canines almost closing on the tip of his tail as Mickey and Mike announced that they were going to a cartoon.

Salem yowled and whisked his tail between his hind legs as Peg barked, yipped, and gnashed her teeth on - thankfully - empty air. James and Smee screamed as they continued to climb and fall over each other in their desperate attempts to escape the growling crocodile. Tinker Bell took pity upon them at the Princesses' suggestions and sprinkled some fairy dust upon the Pirates.

As Hook and Smee took off into the air, leaving the crocodile behind, Pan ceased his laughter for a second time that night and bellowed at Tink. She only shrugged at first until he accused her of being too busy flirting with the Princesses, while her girlfriend was gone to take care of tribal business, to be able to think clearly. Then she started hitting him with her wand which, in truth, was capable of a great many more things other than just sprinkling pixie dust.

Mickey gripped Mike for dear life as Salem, Peg, and even the crocodile, in his pursuit of his flying prey, ran at the stage. The Mouse looked ashen as his expensive, leather shoes knocked together and he squealed. His frightened squeal brought him to Shere Khan's attention. Up until then, the tiger had been using the skirmish to lurk in the fleeing crowd and try to creep closer to Gus and Jacques.

"CINDYRELLY! CINDYRELLY!" the little mice screamed, knowing the mighty hunter was after them.

Cinderella swiftly swept the trembling mice into her gloved hands. She glared at Shere Khan. "Bad kitty!"

Shere Khan slammed to a halt, his claws digging into the floor. Cinderella was the only woman with the power to throw him straight out of Disney! She was, and still is, after all, the Queen!

A small animal popped up out of the hole in the floor that Shere Khan's claws had just made. Gopher whistled. "Well whee, doggies! I actually made it to the party!"

"GOPHER," Eeyore and several of the other animals from the One Hundred Acre Wood yelled, "DUCK!"

"Well that's sssome greeting," Gopher complained in a whistle between his big teeth but dove back into the hole.

"Bouncing is what Tiggers do best!" Tigger bounded onto and off of Shere Khan's head just as the tiger was about to lower his mouth into Gopher's hole. He shook his sore and aching head with a growl, but Tigger and his friends were already gone. Mickey squealed, and Shere Khan, with jungle fire burning in his eyes, looked back toward the giant mouse who would make a purrfect feast for his dinner that night.

Disney characters were fleeing as fast as they could go as Merlin, in between hiccups caused by too much Brer Rabbit, continued to throw his powers around the night club. "WHO'S THE MOST POWERFUL WIZARD NOW?" he bellowed and then hiccupped again.

It didn't help those fleeing that Peter Pan was simultaneously trying to use them for cover from Tinker Bell's wrath. In the middle of the chaos, Pete bellowed, demanding to know just what the Hell was going wrong in his club and firing his entire staff at once.

A snake dropped down before Pete and captivated his eyes with his own. He swayed hypnotizingly before him. "It'sss okay," he hissed, his tongue flickering. "It'sss all gonna be all right." He draped his lengthy coils around Pete's massive shoulders. "I'm here now, and I'm your bessst friend in all the world. That'sss why you know it'sss all gonna be okay."

Sir Hiss smiled proudly as Pete repeated in a daze, "It's all gonna be okay."

Sir Hiss laughed as he looked down at Kaa, who wound between Pete's feet and up his legs. "I've got usss one!"

Kaa grinned back at the other snake to whom he had been teaching his techniques. "Good job, Sssir Hissssss!" He slithered further up Pete's body.

"It's all gonna be okay," Pete repeated again as Sir Hiss continued to hypnotize him.

"MICKEY!" Minnie screamed as Goofy and Donald fell over themselves and went flying in their efforts to reach their lover and pull him out of harm's way. Minnie hid her face in Daisy's feathers. "Oh, I can't look!" she cried as Salem, Peg, the crocodile, and Shere Khan ran at him. "Not even he deserves that!"

"I can!" Daisy exclaimed eagerly as she munched on popcorn. She paused to take a slurp from her soda, then continued eating her popcorn. This was the best entertainment she'd had in a while!

Salem and Peg leaped at the stage with the crocodile chasing right behind them. Peg's mouth once more closed on empty air. She looked up in shock to see Salem giving her a raspberry from where he sat safely on the magic flying Carpet from Agrabah!

As Peg leaped, still barking and snapping her teeth, for Carpet, Tramp made a move toward her only to be blocked by Lady. His wife knew very well about his past endeavors with the other tramp and wanted her husband nowhere near her wiles. Dodger took off with a bark at Tramp. The streetdog ran, bounded onto the stage, grabbed the ruff of Peg's neck with his teeth, and carried her to safety right out of the crocodile's very jowls!

The crocodile smacked his huge mouth back together just after Dodger and Peg passed through his open mouth. Mickey screamed as it landed on top of him, then crawled out from his monstrous mouth when the crocodile roared because Shere Khan, who had been unable to stop his pounce in time, had latched onto his tail!

Shere Khan and the crocodile looked at each other through wide eyes. Shere Khan had been going after Mickey when the crocodile had jumped in between the mouse and his mouth and claws. Now, as the crocodile began pounding the stage down into the ground by stomping around in circles in vain attempts to reach his tail, Shere Khan held onto the scaly tail for dear life!

"Carpet, old friend, am I ever happy to see you!" Salem mewed as the two of them rode high above everybody else. His tail whipped through the air as, in his excitement and relief, Salem began to knead and purr.

At Carpet's protests, he ceased kneading. "Okay. Not on your tapestry," he agreed with a smile. "Now how about getting us out of here?"

He continued to listen to his protests, his pointy ears flattening against his furry head. "Yes, yes, I'm sorry for interrupting your date with Genie."

"Yeah, I see him fighting with Merlin down there."

"My money's on Genie, of course!"

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Egos get a lot of men in trouble."

"No, it wasn't! She hit on me!" Salem exclaimed when Carpet told him that it had been his ego that had caused this entire mess.

Salem chuckled at Carpet's suggestion that it was his fault for being so good looking. His tail swished. "Thanks, but I already know I'm handsome."

As Carpet thrilled, telling Salem that he had just proved Carpet's point that he did have an ego, Salem laughed again. "Okay. You're right. But it's a well deserved one." He smiled, his fangs showing and his long, black tail swishing. "So where shall we go now?"

He listened to Carpet, then called to Genie, James, and Smee who all quickly followed them. Salem silently prayed, as Carpet carried him into the star-lit night that still held tons of promise, that the Tiki Room would turn out to be a better establishment than the House of Mouse had proven itself! He wanted to have some fun tonight after all!

**The End**

Author's Note: If you enjoyed this story, or any of my other writings, I hope you'll consider joining my friends and I at a brand new fan fic/art site called Ficcers Unite. At Ficcers Unite, we welcome all fandoms, pairings (slash and het), and even no pairings at all; hope to begin a Marvel/Disney RPG soon; and plan on issuing challenges every day of the week! Come on over and check us out at today!

I am also a member of a Live Journal called Disney_Uberland where we do all kinds of challenges while competing with other teams to see who can reach 5,000 points first. If you decide to join, please mention that I, OrliDepp, a member of Team Stitch, referred you. 


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